I’ve sat with adult children whose bodies tighten before they see a parent. They describe being criticized or having parts of themselves dismissed. Some say distance is the first relief they’ve felt in years.
I’ve also sat with parents who say the cutoff came overnight. They don’t understand what went wrong. They may be grieving the relationship with their child, sometimes their grandchildren, and feeling they were never given a chance to respond.
Those are different experiences. A parent’s bewilderment is real; it doesn’t prove the child had no reason or never tried to explain. The child’s pain matters; it doesn’t tell me everything the parent understood at the time. I can take both seriously without assuming the harm was equal.
Estrangement can happen between siblings and other relatives, too. Much of the research discussed here, though, is about parents and adult children. Researchers define and measure estrangement in different ways, which makes studies hard to compare. Lucy Blake’s 2017 review looks specifically at parent–adult child estrangement, including what was known about its causes and consequences (Blake, 2017).
In my work, I’ve learned that people don’t leave in proportion to how harmful a relationship is. I’ve seen people stay in painful relationships long after they know they need distance. Attachment can make leaving feel impossible; guilt and hope can keep the door open. I’ve also seen people step back over differences that may look ordinary to someone else. Who stays or leaves doesn’t tell me, by itself, how much harm there was.
A difference of opinion isn’t always “just a difference of opinion.” One person may see a political or religious disagreement. The other may feel their identity, partner, or way of life is being rejected. Sometimes that is what’s happening; sometimes it isn’t. The words matter, and so does the history between the people saying them.
The rules no one said out loud
Families often run on expectations nobody has clearly named. A parent may assume regular calls and holidays are part of staying close. An adult child may want a parent to stop commenting on a partner or life choice, or to acknowledge an old hurt. Each may feel the other should already know.
The child thinks, I’ve told you this so many times. The parent thinks, Why didn’t you tell me? Sometimes the child did try, and the parent didn’t hear it as a serious boundary. Sometimes the expectation was never made explicit. And sometimes the child has learned that speaking plainly brings more pressure or pain.
I think it’s fair to ask what each person expects from the other, and whether they’re willing to offer the respect they’re asking for. I’ve heard adult children ask parents for openness or patience they aren’t willing to offer in return. I’ve also seen parents ask for respect while still criticizing or dismissing their child. Either person can hold the other to a standard they don’t meet themselves.
A parent may not want to be treated as irredeemable for holding a different view. An adult child may want room to disagree without having their identity or relationship put on trial. The same words can land differently in a family with a long history of hurt. A parent may believe they’re expressing a political or religious view; the child may hear a judgment about who they are.
Parents may want to be heard, too. But wanting to explain doesn’t entitle anyone to access, a reply, or another chance right now. Respect has to include taking the other person’s limits seriously.
In Rules of Estrangement, Joshua Coleman argues that family expectations in the United States have shifted over time, with more emphasis on individual wellbeing and identity alongside family duty (Coleman, 2021). That may help explain why parents and adult children can have different ideas about what family requires. It doesn’t explain every estrangement. One person may see distance as self-protection; another may experience it as abandonment.
When contact changes
Sometimes no contact is necessary. If someone is being threatened, abused, or repeatedly humiliated, they may need to leave without warning or negotiation. They don’t have to keep offering access to someone who uses every conversation to cause harm.
Contact can take different forms. Some families manage regular calls or visits. Others keep to occasional messages, meet in public, or avoid certain subjects. Some people need a pause. Others need no contact. There’s no required progression from one arrangement to the next. Someone facing abuse doesn’t have to try low contact first.
Scharp’s study of 52 adult children describes family distancing as a continuum, with the amount and quality of contact among the parts of the relationship that can change (Scharp, 2019). In an interview, Coleman also discusses asking whether some limited or protected form of contact might be possible (Coleman, 2021; Rubin, n.d.). That may work for one family. For another, even occasional contact keeps the same painful pattern going.
A boundary says what I will do to protect my wellbeing: “If the conversation turns to insults, I’m going to end the call.” It can’t control what someone else thinks or says. It can tell them what I’ll do if a line is crossed.
No contact may bring relief. A person can still miss family rituals or the emotional and practical support family sometimes provides. Parents who are cut off may feel shock and profound grief. I don’t think that pain should be brushed aside, even when distance is necessary.
The rupture may affect people beyond the two who stopped speaking. A sibling may wonder whether staying close to one means betraying the other. A grandparent can lose contact with grandchildren; a partner may feel pressure to take a side. In a qualitative study of 27 relatives of estranged parent–child pairs, Kristina Scharp found that people in the middle could feel caught in the conflict and try to manage it (Scharp, 2020). That doesn’t mean the person harmed should be asked to return to an unsafe relationship. It does mean the rupture can change other family ties.
Divorce can change loyalties and relationships, though it doesn’t explain every estrangement. Coleman has written about divorce as one possible context, drawing on his clinical work and surveys of estranged parents (Coleman, 2021). Carr and colleagues studied explanations from estranged parents and adult children who weren’t paired with one another. The groups’ accounts differed (Carr et al., 2015). Those studies can’t tell us what caused the break in a particular family.
When abuse has occurred, relatives may feel pulled toward neutrality because they want to stay connected to everyone. The person harmed may want the family to acknowledge what happened. If relatives minimize the harm or stay close to the person who caused it as if nothing happened, it can feel like another abandonment. Other relatives may not know the whole story or may not be ready to take a position. The person harmed still doesn’t have to stay close to people who dismiss what happened or keep asking them to move on.
Leaving, and finding a way back
When it’s safe, a person considering distance can try to say what they need. They might name a behavior that has to stop or explain what kind of contact they can manage. A short message may be enough. It can say whether they want contact and what would need to change before they reconsider.
I understand why a parent might wish they’d been told what hurt and what could be repaired. When it’s safe, a clear explanation gives the other person a chance to understand. It can’t guarantee they’ll listen or change. Some people have tried for years and weren’t heard. Others know that explaining brings more pressure or danger. They don’t have to make a perfect case for leaving.
If a parent receives a request for distance, it may help to pause before replying. A short acknowledgment may be easier for the child to receive than a long defense or a demand for examples. If the parent still has questions, they can work through them with someone else while respecting the request.
Parents can be the ones to step back, too. They may need distance from interactions that feel threatening or chronically hostile. A parent might also cut off a child because they reject the child’s identity, partner, or choices. Who initiated the distance doesn’t tell us, on its own, whether it was protective or harmful. If it’s safe, a parent can say what they can’t continue rather than using silence to punish or control.
An adult child who wants to explore reconciliation might start with a short call, written contact, or a meeting in public. They can say which topics are off limits and what they’ll do if a boundary is crossed. They can change their mind later. Returning to some contact doesn’t mean the earlier boundary was false.
A parent who wants to repair the relationship can try to listen for what might be true in the child’s account, even if they remember things differently. Coleman’s advice in Rules of Estrangement emphasizes taking responsibility and making amends without arguing with the child about their experience or pressuring them to respond (Coleman, 2021). A short apology that names the hurt and asks for nothing back may be a better opening than a long explanation of what the parent intended.
Therapy can help someone think through what they want from the relationship, including whether any contact feels possible. It shouldn’t come with a verdict about estrangement or reunion. In a 2023 interview study, 46 people who had sought therapy for family estrangement described what they found helpful. They valued feeling heard and having room to talk about the rupture and its effects. The researchers recruited participants through a UK charity that supports people experiencing estrangement. Some participants said a therapist’s effort to be “fair to both parties” felt harmful when it treated abuse as an ordinary disagreement or treated the absent person’s account as equally valid. That’s a finding from this group of participants; it can’t tell us how therapy works for everyone (Blake et al., 2023).
A therapist can help someone consider how distance affects the wider family without using that impact to pressure them to stay. Parents can grieve and reflect on their part. Adult children can build connection outside the family relationship they’ve lost or changed. Neither has to spend every day waiting for reconciliation.
I keep thinking about the people I’ve sat with on both sides of these ruptures. A parent may feel no explanation was given. The adult child may feel they explained for years and were never heard. Distance can be necessary, and it can leave lasting pain. If there is a way back, it has to be built from what actually happened in that family. In each family, the details matter.
References
Blake, L. (2017). Parents and children who are estranged in adulthood: A review and discussion of the literature. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 9(4), 521–536.
Blake, L., Rouncefield-Swales, A., Bland, B., & Carter, B. (2023). An interview study exploring clients’ experiences of receiving therapeutic support for family estrangement in the UK. Counseling and Psychotherapy Research, 23, 105–114.
Carr, K., Holman, A. J., Abetz, J., Koenig Kellas, J., & Vagnoni, E. (2015). Giving voice to the silence of family estrangement: Comparing reasons of estranged parents and adult children in a nonmatched sample. Journal of Family Communication, 15(2), 130–140.
Coleman, J. (2021). Rules of estrangement: Why adult children cut ties and how to heal the conflict. Harmony Books.
Rubin, L. (n.d.). Josh Coleman on the roadmap to healing family estrangement. Psychotherapy.net.
Scharp, K. M. (2019). “You’re not welcome here”: A grounded theory of family distancing. Communication Research, 46(4), 427–455.
Scharp, K. M. (2020). Taking sides and feeling caught: Communicative complications for immediate family members of estranged parent–child dyads. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(4), 1053–1072.